Books That Could Have Been a Text

I read a lot. I mean a lot. For example, it’s now October 7 (very sad anniversary of the attack on Israel, but also Prime Day, yay), and I have already finished four books this month (OK, one was a novella). Some people don’t read four books in a year! I know, because I am friends with them. Smart people, great at games, but reading isn’t their thing. Anyway, for a while now, I have been pretty jaded about plots. It’s been said that there are no new storylines, but only new ways of retelling the same old ones, and I concur. Hence, this post: book types that could have been a text question to AI.

1. Haunted House 

Q: I have inherited an old house from my weird uncle, and it’s full of strange symbols, shadowy figures in the mirrors, and scary thumps and moans during the night. What should I do?

A: Run away right now and don’t go back!

2. Devil’s Spawn

Q: I am six weeks pregnant and have undeniable proof that the father is a demon who will use this child to unleash chaos and terror upon the world. How should I proceed?

A: Get an abortion! (And quit having sex with demons.)

3. Forbidden Room

Q: I am governess to the mad duke’s daughter, and he said that I must never go into the attic, but the upstairs maid told me there’s a trunk in there containing the duchess’s diary which will prove that the duchess ran off with the coachman and wasn’t murdered by the duke. Should I retrieve the diary so the duke will love me?

A: No. Stay the hell out of there and make friends with the new coachman. I hear he is cute (and also not mad).

4. Grumpy x Sunshine

Q: My new billionaire boss is incredibly mean and horrible, though he is very handsome and did I mention a billionaire? Should I put up with his verbal abuse for 300 pages until he sees me in a bikini at the company retreat and falls in love with me?

A: No. He will always be a jerk. Find a new job.

5. Friends to Lovers

Q: I just had an epiphany that I am in love with my childhood best friend, but he hasn’t ever indicated he feels the same except that one time when he was really drunk, which I don’t count. Should I despair over this for 300 pages while we try to make a go of romances with others or take a job I don’t want in a faraway state to get away from this mess?

A: Neither. Just tell him you love him right now.

6. Fake Dating

Q: I hired an actor to pretend to be my boyfriend at my cousin’s wedding so my family would stop bugging me about being single, but we got drunk and slept together. Now I am in love with him, but if I tell him, I won’t be able to figure out if what he says back is real or acting. For how many pages should I agonize over this?

A: Zero. Tell him immediately.

7. Fantasy Quest

Q: So like you know I found a map to the lair of the ancient monster dragon who guards the sparkly thing that will save the universe from destruction. Should I skip my midterms and go get it right away before the witch grabs it for evil purposes?

A: No. Study for your tests, eat your vegetables, and quit peering through game portals.

8. Amateur Detective

Q: I don’t think the police did a thorough investigation into the cookie dough murder, and since I have retired from the library I have time to help. Should I take my poodle Mr. Noodles to the bakery cafe and try to get more information from the shady new waiter?

A: Mind your own business and leave solving crimes to the cops.

9. Family Feud

Q: Should I let the misunderstanding with my sister fester for another 50 years until one of us is dying, or have a difficult conversation with her before the next round of holidays?

A: /eye-roll/

10. True Story

Q: Hey, do you think people would enjoy reading about my transformative journey from—

A: No.

The end.