Everything Feels Weird Now

Gatsby died on Saturday, May 17, 2025. Rest in peace, sweetest kitty.

He had been declining rapidly, partly because his appetite was so low (even with the stimulant) and partly because his kidneys were failing since last summer. He had quit tolerating the supplement ~ he threw up every time I tried to give him that (a liquid) or his quarter-pill of blood pressure meds. Mostly, he just slept in a box of soft scarves in my closet, no zooming around or grabbing my bookmarks like he used to up until a month or so ago... not much interest in anything. His muscle mass had been decreasing along with his weight. Still, he didn't seem to be suffering and enjoyed affection, etc. But Friday he had eaten nothing and wouldn't touch any food Saturday morning (not even people-tuna), so I called for an emergency exam because I didn't want to wait until Monday. I also didn't want to find him dead in my closet. The idea of humane euthanasia had been floated, so my daughter and son-in-law drove up to help me.

After the exam, the doctor and I decided that letting him pass peacefully right then would be the best way forward rather than trying more invasive treatment options and ending up back there in a few days or a week anyway. Heartbreaking though. He was my little buddy for all these years.

The house feels empty without him. Quiet. Lonely. I used to talk to Gatsby all the time. And he talked back! I feel disconnected from myself. Every minute of the day I think about him, just like after my mom passed. That grief never left, but it did eventually recede to further back in my mind. I guess this will too. Eventually. I think about getting another cat, but I am not sure I want to. It's too soon to make any sort of big decision regarding another 10+ year commitment. I'm just trying to let my emotions settle. It's really tough not having a kitty in my life though. 

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I reread a sci-fi novel, Dark Matter by Blake Crouch, for my online book club. I had given it four stars a few years ago, and my good opinion did not change with the second read. A scientist discovers how he can travel back in time and exist in one of the multiple alternate universes that had branched off from a path he had taken/not taken. Complications ensue! I really dig the concept that you have to "kill" your alternate selves if you want to be happy in the life you choose. Otherwise, you spend your time angsting over what might have been, the success you might have had, the love you might have found, etc. Highly recommend.

I also read The Darkest Sin by Anne Sheridan, a dark romance/thriller that starred a beautiful kidnapped woman and a murderous mafia hunk. I liked it and gave it three stars. Of course, it was preposterous, but that's a given with these types of books. The author did a great job describing the chemistry between the main characters, and I always enjoy a deep dive into the underworld (in a book). The book would have benefitted from editing however ~ it was hilarious how often Sheridan repeated "sail" as a verb, even on the same page. She was very fond of saying "his gaze sailed over my body," which is weird enough when used once. Loads of sex and violence in this one; it’ll be a rollicking discussion in a couple weeks with the club.

Two more Victoria Holt novels are now crossed off my TBR list. One was The Shivering Sands, to which I gave four stars. Interesting heroine and lots of twisty turns in the plot. Fun read! The other book was Snare of Serpents, and while that one was also twisty, it was more predictable, and I didn't find the heroine as compelling as in other Holt books, so I gave it only three stars. For the record, Holt often repeats phrases, but they're innocuous ones, so they sail right past.

That's it. Just trying to get through this depression.