Apologies and Forgiveness

I don’t do prompts on this reanimated blog, as far as writing poetry/fiction on demand, etc., but I will go on and on (and on) about a topic if it resonates with me. JYP has a new provocative question up, asking which is more difficult ~ giving a genuine apology or feeling genuine forgiveness ~ and I have a few things to say about that. 

I don’t find the casual “I’m sorry” to be much of an apology at all. It’s almost always meaningless, like the standard “how was your weekend” office greeting, when no one really wants or expects any answer other than “good, yours?” People say they’re sorry all the time, but what do the words actually mean if the speaker doesn’t change their behavior? Nothing. It’s particularly empty when the speaker says it in the form of “I’m sorry you” (feel hurt, offended, etc.), as opposed to “I’m sorry I” (lied, cheated, etc.)

Some of my faithful readers may recall that I met a man in September 2016 who seemed wonderful at first, and we had two fabulous, all-day dates along with many lengthy chats, but then he acted like a colossal jerk when I told him I was having an issue with a scammer. He abruptly canceled our third date because he decided I wouldn’t be focused enough on him if I was worried about the 4K missing from my bank account. It didn’t occur to him to help me take my mind off my problems by spending some time with me as a friend would. No, it was all about him feeling duly worshipped. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, which was one of the smartest things I’ve ever said.

A few weeks later he apologized, and I forgave him, which was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. We had two more lovely dates, made some fun plans for the future, and he ghosted me over Thanksgiving. I felt so betrayed and humiliated, and the experience truly wrecked me for a long time (not to mention that he began texting me a few months later to regale me with all the ways I failed him, such as not baking cookies when he came over and being three years older). When I emerged from my depression over this fiasco, I gave up dating, since I couldn’t trust my own judgment.

But I didn’t come here today to dish on that asshole, as enjoyable as dishing is; I came here to talk about the fact that a genuine apology is as rare as a winning lottery ticket and requires a change in behavior. If you do the same thing again, then you really aren’t sorry, are you? It’s like my vow to give up gummy bears ~ no one really believes me, including me, nor should they. Changing one’s behavior is very difficult, even for something as small as resisting a piece of candy, which is why I say that genuine apologies are harder (and rarer) than genuine forgiveness.

Forgiveness, in my experience, gets easier over time, partly because memories fade as well as intensity of emotion. Also, forgiveness is a gift to yourself more than anything, and who doesn’t like gifts? When I forgave that ghosting guy, I relieved myself of the burden of caring about him, wondering why he did the things he did, and second-guessing all of my own behavior (which was flawless, if you must know). It was incredibly freeing to be done with that mess, and a breeze to maintain. Forgiveness just feels good! This doesn’t mean I want to talk to him or try again (gah); it just means I am no longer shouldering the emotional baggage of feeling “done wrong.” In fact, I got some good stories and poetry out of the experience and am much better off now that I gave up dating altogether.

Apologies, however, don’t feel good, not genuine ones anyway, because then you’re tasked with figuring out how to change and maintain the change. It’s harder for me not to nom up a pack of gummy bears when I know they are sitting right there in the kitchen cabinet* than it is to continue not caring about whatshisface. 

*It’s the office kitchen ~ I don’t keep candy in my home.