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| Ghosts in the sea by a shipwreck (Meta AI) |
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| My mom’s engagement photo, 1957 |
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| Reading challenge bingo card |
I've decided to participate in this bingo (25 books) reading challenge via my online book club. It's for June in our club, but I won't be able to finish it this month, so I've given myself the whole summer. I will be reviewing the books for each bingo square, five at a time. Here's the first set (note that I used the first three in another challenge).
1. Short story or novella. Incantation by Alice Hoffman. This novella was about a family of Jews in Spain around the time of the Inquisition. Absolutely awful, yet fabulous writing. I'm glad it had fewer than 100 pages because idk if I could have read more about this terrible time. I gave it 5 stars, and I think it's important to be reminded about how evil humans are to one another, since we can become numb to the news. I haven't created labels for young adult or magical realism, but I think historical fiction plus fantasy will do for this novella.
2. Set during summer. Love at the Lake by Julie Milo. I gave this book 3 stars for attempting to tackle the weighty subjects of dyslexia and adoption in an otherwise fluffy novel set at a summer camp, but it didn't do either all that well because so much time was devoted to the fluff. I'm not one of those who hates "pure" romance novels (without any mystery or other element), but I need more of a plot than high school angst over whether or not a boy/girl likes the other boy/girl. Note: the characters were 23 years old, but still acted like teens.
3. Road Trip/Vacation. The Date by T.H. Murdock. Super fun suspense story! This one really kept me on my mental toes. Every character became a murder suspect at one point or another during the escape/ vacation to New Zealand, which is a hallmark of a good mystery. Lots of witty dialogue and unpredictable twists abound too. I can’t say that I was rooting for any particular character, as none were very endearing, but overall the book was a treat!
4. Standalone. The House Across the Lake by Riley Sager. I usually like Sager, but THATL is so slow for about half the book. It’s tedious to read about Casey getting drunk every day and obsessing over the other house. I am not a fan of alcoholism being either a character “trait” or a plot device. What did we ever really learn about Casey as a person without the booze? Not a lot. Then finally when the action starts to pick up, the story veers into ridiculousness. The things Casey accomplishes when drunk are completely unbelievable, and the entire plot goes totally into the weeds at the end. Two stars may be too generous, but that's what it got from me.
5. Flowers on the cover. The Mysterious Bakery on Rue de Paris by Evie Woods. This book didn’t seem to know what it wanted to be: romance, ghost story, historical fiction, magical realism? A novel can transcend genres, but this one just seemed confused, and the pieces didn’t mesh well together. That said, I really enjoyed Edith’s character development and the way she blossomed with self confidence and determination to help her new friends. As she came to terms with her grief over her mother’s death, Edith discovered she had a great capacity to love and live again. Also, there were delicious cupcakes involved! Three stars.
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| Grand Canyon scrapbook page |
Warning: this is a long post, full of asides and pointless meandering.
Here are some random questions relating to Earth Day coming up on April 22. I found them on From This Side of the Pond. It's not likely I will remember to return to that post on Wednesday to link up or whatever the rules are ~ I am not big on blogging rigmarole, which is why when I participate in the poetry prompts I don't do "Mr. Linky," even though I would get more readers that way. It's nice having an audience (yay for A2Z!), but I am too lazy to jump through hoops to get it. This is also why I refuse to do any marketing for my books, though I may put up a page one of these days. I've been thinking about doing a few pages ever since I started A2Z because t's nice to sum up the links all in one place.
But seriously folks, I don't get it. Why create a post for people to respond to, which should be fun and easy-peasy, but instead of just accepting link-backs at the time people post, you make these rules about putting your link on another site (Mr. Linky) or telling people they need to return on a different day to post their link in comments? I also don't understand "blog hops" that require a code. A CODE?! Why can't you just post links to blogs/ posts you find interesting and suggest people pop over to check them out? Whine, whine, whine. Then again idgaf what people do as long as I don't have to participate. It's just perplexing, is all.
1. April 22nd is Earth Day...what's the most 'out of this world' place on earth you've ever visited? Tell us something about it.
Welp, I'm not a big traveler and haven't been to any exotic locales, but I have visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona twice, and it is pretty awesome. You can get a sense of it from photos, but the sheer hugeness of the thing cannot really be appreciated unless you see it in person. It's definitely breathtaking. In fact, all that I have seen of Arizona generally is incredibly beautiful, particularly Sedona.
The first time I saw the Grand Canyon, I was with my college boyfriend. We had flown from Chicago to California, so he could pick up an old junky car from his sister, which we planned to drive back. This was over Winter Break, so we had to take the southern route. Naturally, she did not get the car checked out beforehand, and we ended up in a repair shop somewhere in the wilds of California during the first day of our journey. I could say so much about how annoying college boyfriend and his sister were, but who even cares now? Anyway, we did manage to get to the Grand Canyon on the second day, and it was spectacular at sunrise. We stayed only a little while because we needed to get back on the road and head off to New Mexico. Albuquerque was much less spectacular ~ it was actually a dump ~ and we ate dinner at Pizza Hut and took off early the next day toward Texas and then north.
The second time I saw the Grand Canyon, I was with my (ex) husband and daughters, and it was much more fun. We actually stayed a decent amount of time to better appreciate it. The plan was to drive from AZ to Vegas, but during the trek, my (ex) husband took a business call in the car, got all distracted, and only refocused when I pointed out the "Welcome to Utah" sign. Since we were there, we decided to detour to Zion National Park, which is possibly the most beautiful place on earth. We could only do a quick drive through, but even that was incredibly impressive. Even though I am neither a camper nor a hiker (gah!), I can kinda see why people might want to spend some time in close physical contact with this place.
2. A favorite quote, verse, or song lyric with the word earth in it?
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." ~ Hamlet to Horatio in Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5 by William Shakespeare.
Even though this quote is trying to get Horatio (and us) to accept that there are ghosts communicating with us, which I don't believe even though it has happened to me (I don't really think it was a "ghost," but rather my memory of my mother's voice that my mind conjured up when I needed an answer to a question), I still find it intriguing. What interests me is the concept that as fascinating as it is to be an intellectual and live inside one's head doing mathematical proofs and creating philosophical problems to solve on paper, reality can be even more interesting. See: the Grand Canyon.
3. What's the most trivial thing about which you have a strong opinion?
Uh, Mr. Linky? LOL. Here's the thing: I don't believe that we truly accept something is "trivial" if we feel strongly about it. For example, I might say littering. I HATE LITTERING! But littering isn't trivial, is it? It may seem inconsequential to drop a gum wrapper on the sidewalk, but if everyone did it, the city would be carpeted with gum wrappers. We count on others to not do the thing we're doing. Take non-voters who say that their vote won't matter in the vast sea of votes. Yeah, and if no one voted? I still feel guilty about the primary I failed to vote in that one time. OMG, this whole thing (waves arms) is all my fault! Back to philosophy: this is called the "Tragedy of the Commons." We decide to not waste time researching candidates and marking our ballots because we rely on other people to do just that, but if no one did it we'd have a horrible system where unscrupulous grifters ended up in charge. Oh wait...
4. What's your most commonly used kitchen utensil or tool? What's the last thing you made using that tool?
A spoon, I guess. I used one this morning to stir milk in my coffee and scoop cat food out of a can into Inky's bowl. Two different spoons! I am not a barbarian.
5. Marilyn (Memphis Bridges) gave me a great book of 3000 questions, and I'm going to try to use one in our Hodgepodge every week. Here is today's -
What is your greatest extravagance?
I am not an extravagant person, but I did spend $50 three times recently to decorate cookies, and that might seem a bit excessive. It was fun though! It wasn't just about the tasty cookies obviously ~ it was spending time with friends in an intensive, hands-on class, which required us to focus away from our phones. Confession: I may do it again, though not for May because I do have some self-restraint. Sometimes.
6. Insert your own random thought here.
This whole post is random. Back at my old WP blog, people seemed to enjoy my pointless meandering posts, and I even created my own personalized image for those posts, but for this one I think I will try to find a pic of the Grand Canyon, as it would be more appropriate for the Earth Day theme. I wish that One Drive could intelligently retrieve photos via keywords from my enormous backup pile, but it does not have the capability to do that like my iPhone does from the iCloud or the Google cloud. If I tell my phone to search for a cat pic, it will grab all cats and maybe some dogs too, but One Drive can only retrieve a pic from a keyword if you've renamed it with that specific word. Who even bothers naming their photos now that our phones make it possible to take a zillion pics per day? At least One Drive sorts by date, so if you remember approximately when you took a photograph, it is theoretically possible to find it again. Theoretically.
I baked a hummingbird cake
But you fluttered off too soon
Zipping out right at daybreak
I baked a hummingbird cake
Now I’m left with a heartache
And neither a fork nor spoon
I baked a hummingbird cake
But you fluttered off too soon
~*~
Triolet quadrille (structured 44 words) written for today’s dVerse prompt of bird. Funny how I’m still occasionally inspired by the guy who ghosted me at Thanksgiving (in 2016).
[Warning: super long, boring rambles ahead!]
Have you heard of the 2016-2026 challenge? It's simple: post a pic of yourself from 2016 side by side with a current photo. Celebs are doing it. Normal people are doing it. Naturally, I want to do it too. Welp, I thought it was simple until I could not find a photo of myself from 2016. Not one! I had loads from prior years, especially 2014 when I was apparently taking daily selfies in hopes of getting that perfect shot for dating site profiles, and I have tons from 2017 going forward ~ from my daughters' weddings, with Gatsby, with friends, etc. What the heck was going on in 2016? Did I even exist? And it's not just zero selfies ~ I have no photos from 2016 whatsoever. I checked every possible source, all the clouds, backups, etc. There's nothing.
So, to begin at the beginning... I don't remember the beginning. I think 2016 started with one of my usual vows to quit the dating sites because of prior bad experiences. I think I had been hanging around with one of my exes and going on "friend dates" with him as he tried to meet a new love and asked me for advice (talk about the blind leading the blind!). I'm pretty sure that I was a little bothered by this "situationship," but it wasn't upsetting enough to stop. Then I had the bad poke bowl. Please bear with me here because I am getting to the point (eventually).
I took a day off in early August for doctors' exams and such, and afterwards I treated myself to a poke bowl. It was the middle of the afternoon, so it's possible they didn't give me the freshest fish. By the evening, I was extremely ill. Unlike prior tummy troubles, this one lasted weeks, and even when it was over I barely had any appetite. One graham cracker would fill me up for hours. A normal person might have considered seeing a doctor, but we're talking about me here. I had lost a whole bunch of weight and was feeling fabulous about that. Around the same time, friend-date guy had met someone. He was all giddy with happiness, no longer going on the friend-dates with me, and posting lovey dovey pics on FB. I thought maybe it was possible for me to find someone too, especially now that I was thinner. This is how my mind works: I didn't necessarily believe that men found me too heavy before the bad poke (in fact, some ventured to say the opposite), but that I felt good about myself at the lower weight. I felt confident. I felt that I could be loveable. My mind had been warped in this way as a child/ teenager by the media we had then and the romance novels I devoured to the point where I believed that only slim women were worthy of love.
So, I rejoined a dating site and snapped a whole bunch of cute selfies to post. I vividly remember this because I stood in front of my tuxedo cat print poster from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and I was wearing my favorite turquoise shirt. (I am also positive I had pictures from earlier in the year of places I went and cupcakes I nommed.) The usual replies trickled in: liars, scammers, con artists, married men, "separated" men still living with their wives, yada. I met one guy for coffee at the mall, and we literally had nothing to say to each other, which was so weird. Usually, there's something to talk about with any person, but nope. I met another guy, whom I thought was OK, until he revealed that he was a religious nutball. He sent me a very complicated astrological chart. It went on like that for a bit until I met Michael on 09/25/16. The date is memorable because (1) it was the best first date I'd ever had, and (2) the numbers are all squares.
You remember Michael, don't you? I had gotten over my ex-husband and TMW ("the man who broke my heart"), and I didn't think anyone could affect me so deeply again. I was wrong. IMO, there is no logical reason why we immediately fall for someone, unlike the reasons we don't like someone, which are usually clear. Hormones? Pheromones? I don't know. He was handsome, sure, smart, funny, all the things, but so were other men, and I didn't fall for them. There were men much better suited to me: writers, creative types, men who lived closer, men who loved cats, men who were more into me, and I had met a bunch over the years since my divorce, but meh. They didn't jumpstart my heart the way this guy did. Our second date was as wonderful as the first one. You probably remember the story of how he acted like a jerk when I had a problem, then apologized, took me on another great date, ghosted me at Thanksgiving, texted later on complaining that I had never baked him cookies and that I was a couple years older than him, etc. After that, I slid into a depression that lasted about a year and a half.
I'm not worried about using his real name because there have been so many Michaels, and if he reads this and wants to jump up and down yelling "Yes! It was me! I'm the asshole!" then that will be very entertaining for us, won't it? Is anyone besides Keera reading this blog? I keep getting hits, so maybe I have other readers who aren't commenting. HI HI HI! [waves madly] As I've said before, I'm fine that this is a diary open to the public that no one actually reads. Anyway. I think that at some point in 2017, I began deleting everything to do with 2016, hoping that would make me feel better. I know I deleted the poetry I wrote about him (later I wrote other, better poems), the selfies, the dates on my G-calendar, etc. I deleted my Google location history, so that the few places we'd gone together would disappear (they have not yet faded from my memory however). I learned how to be thorough from past experience with my ex-husband: I deleted all my trash, hosed out my clouds, wiped my backup laptop "book," on and on. Probably some forensic expert could retrieve stuff even so (my current laptop and phone are post 2016 though, and the old ones have been electronically wiped and recycled). I have wasted enough time on this already.
If you're wondering about Facebook/ Instagram (like anyone cares!), I deleted them in 2018 and started over in 2020 during the pandemic lockdown. I had backups in zip files, but they don't have any pics of me from 2016, or if they did once, I have since deleted those too. There's one more option, and that's to ask my daughters/ friends if they have any pics of me from that year, but I'm not sure I want to. I prefer to think that perhaps I was a ghost in 2016. Maybe that's why I fell so hard for a ghost; I sensed an otherworldly connection...
Bottom line: I won't be participating in that photo challenge.
Remember this cheesy commercial from 1977 about a perfume called Wind Song? Some ads just linger in my mind like a favorite fragrance, I guess, while others slip out of my memory as soon as they slide off the screen. This ad seemed so unbearably romantic to me when I was a teenager. It was a brief glimpse of a story, but what was the story? A man and a woman return from a lovely picnic, and as he drives her home, she puts on perfume. She gets out at a nice house, they kiss, and she leaves her scarf. While he continues driving alone into the night, her perfume lingers on the scarf she left, and he smiles at his memories of her. I tend to believe that one or both of them were married, else why did they have to end the date before night fell? The longing for what you can't have is always more intense than the desire for something easily available, or so I have found anyway.
Last December, a Michael I had dated a few times over eight years ago (at that time; now it's closer to nine years) emailed me to demand an explanation about the disappearance of my old blog. I told him I got bored with it, and he said he had read every word, which was undoubtedly a lie (the blog had been gone for months), but I know he did check in from time to time. He asked if I had another blog, and I said yes, but I didn't give him the address to this one. He didn't follow up on that ~ instead, he asked an even stranger question: why did I reply to his initial email? I think he must have wanted me to blubber that I'd been pining away for him all those years, but I hadn't been, so I told him the truth: I always answer sincere questions about my writing. Then I asked him if his initial question had been sincere, and he said yes. That was the end of the conversation.
Today, another Michael emailed me to apologize for something he had apparently said on our dinner date two and a half years ago. All this time, he had assumed he had upset me, but the truth is... I have no memory whatsoever of his comment. He also said I had called him the next day to tell him we had no future, but I don't think so. It doesn't sound like something I would do or say ~ I think he must be mixing up our conversations with another date. What I remember is that I had a nice time at the dinner, but he didn't text me for weeks, and by the time he did, I had lost interest in him. Our initial conversation/ dinner occurred only because he had texted me out of the blue after years had passed since our previous interaction.
I don't understand these Michaels. But it doesn't matter because I am not the same person as I was eight years ago or even two years ago. When I met M1 in 2016, I wanted to find a relationship. I had taken a break from dating and was now totally into the idea of starting fresh. I felt I was in a good place for this to happen, but (as some of you may recall) M1 treated me like crap, apologized, got a second chance, and then behaved even worse. He ghosted me on Thanksgiving! A few months later, he began texting me, blaming me for everything because (1) I was older than him, and (2) I had never baked cookies for him. I ended up in a depression that lasted over a year, and when I emerged I was different. Not "different" as in an angry/ sad romcom heroine waiting for the right man to break through her barriers, but different as in I realized that my life was really good, not despite lacking a romantic relationship, but because I didn't have one.
When I had dinner with M2 in 2023, I thought I was reconnecting with a fellow writer, but it turns out that M2 no longer writes anything. OK. We still had a good conversation. But just because an evening turns out nicely doesn't mean that it has to go anywhere. Why can't something be one and done? It seemed to me at the time that he wasn't super interested either because he didn't communicate for weeks, but now he's saying he's been thinking of me all this time blah blah. He even mentioned the turmeric from the before times (pre-covid). Years ago, I had posted on my old blog that I'd bought a vat of turmeric for health purposes, but I couldn't use it because it made me nauseated. He volunteered to come take it off my hands; one night he stopped by and picked it up. That's it. But now he says he only did that to see me, and he's only used one spoonful of the turmeric. Welp, that's probably because turmeric is disgusting. I don't see what it has to do with his feelings toward me. In any case, I have no desire to see him again, not that he asked, but his email reads as an invitation to follow up, especially because he even remembers our first-first date in 2012. We met again at a poetry workshop in 2017 and hung out a couple times. Then there was nothing until his text in 2023 and our dinner.
There's a third Michael, whom I actually dated for six months. He used to email me a "happy birthday" note every year, but he stopped. I don't think he's dead, so maybe he's met someone else and has decided it's inappropriate to continue wishing me a HB. I can understand that. Sometimes he visited my old WP blog, so it's possible he thinks I'm dead now that the blog's gone. Whatever. I will always remember that he took me to a zoo on our second date because he listened to me and considered my preferences. That quality was very rare in the men I met. Ultimately though, M3 was kind of nuts, which is also a thing I am attracted to, but maybe more so when I was a lot younger. Insanity has lost its luster for me, alas.
There are even more Michaels clustered about in the dusty archives of my mind, but these three are the ones that I have been thinking about tonight. Who knows if another one will someday emerge from his ancient cocoon and contact me in some bizarre fashion?! I am not sure why everyone thought they were supposed to name their son Michael 60-65 years ago, but it's just ridiculous that there are so many. Now there's a deluge of 30-40 year old men named Josh. In 2050, it'll be an onslaught of Liams and Noahs...
I highly recommend the HBO/Max documentary on Billy Joel: And So It Goes. Everyone I know who has seen it says it is excellent, and I absolutely loved it. I may rewatch it at some point (though I said that about the Bob Dylan docu A Complete Unknown and have yet to rewatch ~ there are just way too many things I haven't seen). What an interesting person Billy is! And his talent is simply out of this world. I mean, I always liked his music, but I never really appreciated how great it was and how hard he worked until I saw this docu.
For my online book club I read The Broken Girls by Simone St. James. It's kind of half gothic mystery and half contemporary detective story. I wasn't sure I would like it, but it totally hooked me, both with the plight of the sad girls at a Vermont boarding school around 1950 and with the current day (2014) reporter Fiona who is trying to make sense of what happened back then as it may relate to the murder of her sister. Is there a ghost or isn't there? Doo doo doo doo. There's also a complicated love relationship to sort out between Fiona and a younger police officer Jamie. His father, the retired chief of police, also has a role to play in the drama, as does Fiona's father, a famous journalist. Four stars.
I'm feeling paralyzed with too many choices for my free time. There are a million shows I could watch on TV, but usually when I choose one I dislike it, turn it off after 10 minutes, pick another, rinse repeat. Or I could paint, which I did on Sunday with meh results. Or I could read another book (usually the best choice). I could play a solo board game or a game on my phone. Peruse FB, IG, Bluesky, etc. None of that last bunch is particularly satisfying however. What about writing? I dipped a tentative toe back into the waters the other week on Substack, and it went well. (I wrote a poem about my hair for a friend's publication.) I keep thinking it would be cool to post some of my older poetry and flash fiction to see if it resonates with anyone ~ and I did, a week ago. I can't believe a whole week has passed already.
Funny thing... I was chatting with a friend on FB about those old 100 word stories some of us used to write, and then tonight my friend from the WP community sent me a story of mine she'd found in her email. This one was 99 words, and I really liked it! Sometimes my old stuff surprises me: I think wow I occasionally display a glimmer of writing talent, or omg my stuff is so horrible how embarrassing that anyone ever read this. One extreme or the other...
Anyway, now I have a desire to post 100 word pieces on Substack to see what happens.
Hopefully it’s not an unlucky day for anyone reading. Today has been OK for me, but since Wednesday I have been fighting a horrible migraine. Same deal as the one that wrecked me last Thursday when I stayed home from work ~ but at least that one disappeared in a day, while I am on day three of this one, though (crossing fingers) it seems to have abated somewhat. It may have been triggered by eating red grapes on Wednesday ~ I didn’t know that they’re a trigger (now I do after googling), but it makes sense given how I react to red wine. Or it could have been something else entirely. It's usually hard to pinpoint a cause precisely, since so many factors make up a given day. Per a coworker's suggestion, I now have an ice gel pack in the office freezer for the next one. Fun times.
I'm still grieving Gatsby, but I have made progress in the emotional process of adopting a new kitty. It will happen in the next few weeks because I am too lonely without a cat at home. It's not "cheating" on him to love another kitty; in fact, it honors his memory. There are so many who need a good home, but I'm only one person and can only help one at a time. Given my age, this next cat could be the last cat I am able to help directly.
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I am officially bored with Bluesky (Bsky) and the repetitive political comments and memes (even if I agree with them). I could make more of an effort to find alternative feeds (I already regularly check poetry and zoos), but I guess I prefer Facebook after all and updates from those folks I have known for years. I don't feel the need for more friends in meatspace or online, so it's true I make minimal effort and then I go blah dullsville. But so what. What's the great loss if I don't spend time on a particular platform? Uh none.
I do enjoy this blogging "lite" life because I don't feel any obligation to post. I write only when I want to, unlike on my WordPress blog where I felt compelled to post constantly and read all the posts in my feed. As far as "real writing," I am finally over it, both the desire to write new fiction or poetry and the nagging sensation of having unfinished WIPs. What a relief! (Same goes for painting/crafting.)
I'm still puzzled at the hatred people have toward Meghan Markle: they lie in wait for articles about her and then spew vicious comments. It's deeply weird. Then again, I never did understand hate-following or doom-scrolling. When I can't stand something or someone, I try to block it out of my life in hopes of never encountering it again.
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Tonight I went grocery shopping with the idea of staying inside my condo all day tomorrow, June 14, when people are going to take to the streets to protest our horrible POTUS and his birthday celebration as he throws himself a ridiculously wasteful and grotesque military parade in DC. Nothing like trying to dump poor folks off Medicare while spending $100M on an ego-fest. Though I can't stand the POTUS, I don't want to get involved with any political protesting or be anywhere near any kind of drama.
I had just begun exercising again when this migraine hit on Wednesday, so hopefully I will get back to it tomorrow. I'm also prepping for the new kitty and have bought a covered litterbox, a soft fluffy bed, and other necessities as well as a little bit of generic type food until I know what she likes. You know how you can feel a "ghost" when memories float in? Well, I not only feel Gatsby's ghost, but also I sense the presence of my future kitty.
I've started a new show on Netflix called Sirens. It's pretty good. Would be better with more Bacon scenes.
This week I finished two books: No Place Like Home, a mystery by Mary Higgins Clark (three stars), and The Hating Game, a romance novel by Sally Thorne (four stars). The first had an interesting plot and a great twist toward the end, but I couldn’t relate to the MC at all. Plus there were too many POVs and tense flips. The romance novel was different and clever with witty banter and well rounded characters. There were several interesting side characters as well.
It was nice to get away to San Diego with friends over the holiday weekend, even though I don't really enjoy any changes to routine. This time, it was good to escape from my place, which is stuffed with memories of my sweet Gatsby. We haven't dumped the kitty condo or scratching posts because we know, eventually, there will probably be another kitty living here. Not yet though. It's too soon. I'm OK with seeing his little grey and white ghost out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I don't want to forget him or lose my memories. I still say "bye, I love you" to him when I leave the house.
I have to forgive myself for all the times I got annoyed with him for his yowling. Happened with my other kitties too. That's just how I am ~ very unsaintly when I get woken up in the middle of the night by a cat yarking up a hairball. Quick to yell when they knock a pen off the counter or stick their paw in my tea. I accept that I don't have a ton of patience, never did have. I did my best and made a good home for them, just like I did for my children, who were also frequently annoying. Love doesn't mean pretending everything is perfect and cleaning the litterbox is a joy; love is wanting a kitty in your life despite those things.
In my opinion, anyway.
Part of how I've been consoling myself is by looking online at cats up for adoption nearby. I'm not going to get one that way though... I just like to look. I don't want to "shop" for my next sweetie; I want her to appear in my life as if by magic (aka the "cat distribution system"). Since I'm on the third floor, one isn't going to wander up to my door like Cocoa did in 2004, but it feels a bit magical that my coworker is currently caring for three kittens who were born in his yard four weeks ago. He says he can't keep them all, but he is bonded to them now, so we'll see how that goes. Wandering into an adoption event in a pet store and finding "the one" also counts as magic. Until something magical happens, and I am ready for it, I am OK being sad. Gatsby was a huge part of my life for over 13 years, so it's not surprising I cry from time to time. I still cry over the loss of my mother in 2008. It's so hard to believe she's been gone over 17 years.
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Last week, I read The Secretary, a psychological suspense novel by Renee Knight, for the 2025 Reading Challenge category of a book with a main character who shares your profession. I wasn't in the mood for the typical sexy secretary who seduces her billionaire boss, so I chose Knight's book, which is about an executive assistant (Christine) to a narcissistic, bullying female boss (Mina). Christine becomes so consumed by her job (similar to Andrea in The Devil Wears Prada) that she loses all perspective and refuses to set boundaries. Her husband and daughter end up leaving her because she prioritizes Mina's unreasonable demands over her family week after week. Eventually, Christine both covers up and commits crimes to try to stay invaluable to this horrible woman. The story is told as a retrospective ~ it seems as if the MC is in some sort of sanitarium as she's narrating, but we are not sure of her location until the end. The book was enjoyable for a while, but it became tedious, and I didn't care for the ending at all. Three stars.
I gave three stars to Black Widows by Cate Quinn as well. It's a mystery type novel about a man who was murdered and one of his three wives is apparently the killer. The narrative style is like a reality TV show where we get very short snippets rapid-fire. There are over 100 chapters because each one is 2-3 pages. Ridiculous and annoying! The story itself however is interesting because it's different and describes a completely alien way of life (to me), so that kept me going, but the choppy chapters drove me nuts. We get some interesting perspectives on life in a polygamous cult from the three wives as they take turns narrating, each in first person, natch. Although I enjoyed the ending, there were many unanswered questions, which was frustrating, so I will bring that up at the book club discussion (this was a "bonus" read, not one of our monthly selections).
For next year's challenge, I am going to make a list of the physical and Kindle books I already own via purchases or gifts and read those before buying any new ones. (This is separate from books I have to read for book clubs obviously.) It's just silly to start any new challenges that require new purchases when I still haven't read the holiday romances people bought for me last December!
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Remember when I said I didn't injure myself "too badly" while putting my bookcase together at the beginning of May? Well, I lied. Besides dropping the wrench on my foot (which didn't cause an issue), I somehow (I have no idea how) hurt my leg that day, and it's gotten worse over these last weeks because I've been ignoring the pain rather than babying it. I guess it needs to be babied! Yesterday I started using a heating pad and only doing the most gentle stretches, so that helps. But damn. Saturday night it hurt so badly at the hotel I couldn't get to sleep until after 2AM. Today was better from, I assume, the heat and rest and gentle stretching. I've also been taking two Advil twice a day for over a week, which is not ideal, but it helps the leg pain a lot and apparently has been keeping my headaches away too. Unless my headaches are better from not having a kitty on my bed.
Crazy talk.
Yep, that’s a lot! But it’s the season of abundance, or so they say. It’s weird how there will be long stretches of nothingness, then suddenly hello everythingness, and no matter how bored/lonely I get, I am reminded that I vastly prefer the silence. It’s never really silent anyway because Gatsby always has lots of opinions.
I read The Captive by Victoria Holt this week and gave it four stars. Just when I was getting bored with this author, she came up with something new. Neither the plot nor the romance is predictable, and I love that. I particularly appreciate the heroine Rosetta, who is a very strong and interesting character. (The weirdly abrupt ending prevented me from giving this novel a full five-star rating however.) Now I am re-inspired to continue my Holt marathon.
I also read The Twelve Dates of Christmas by Jenny Bayliss and awarded it four stars as well. Guess I must be in a generous mood! Actually, this novel was a very entertaining read, though the conclusion was inevitable from the first page, which is par for the course in a contemporary romance. Part of what made the book so enjoyable was the vivid description: art, food, holiday decor, etc., were all lovingly served up to the reader (including recipes at the end!), and the snow was an important character too. I thought the “twelve dates” was a cool concept, and it was great fun to meet the same fictional aholes you find in real life dating.
Speaking of. One of the ghosts from my dating past came floating back in this week… and you will never guess why (or ostensibly why). After almost eight years of dead silence this guy emails me to complain that I deleted my WordPress blog. Apparently he was a devoted fan! Yeah, so devoted that he didn’t notice my blog had been gone since August 2023. Whatever. I have long given up trying to understand any man, and my life is much more peaceful because of that.
It seems that this blogspot blog hides in plain sight, as neither a Google search nor a Safari search brings it up using any kind of obvious keyword or phrase. I told Google not to index it, so I guess that does work. I am content with my handful of readers ~ only those to whom I specifically gave the blog addy are reading, if even them, lol. Regardless, these words are still public, and I am not forgetting that.
Finally, some aholes posing as bank reps tried to scam me this morning, and even though I didn’t fall for it, I am still upset about getting targeted. That’s modern life now: being on high alert for ID theft and fraud every fucking minute of the day. I guess it beats watching out for highwaymen and pirates. Though as we know, some highwaymen and pirates are really dukes in disguise, posing as criminals to catch the real criminals…
Odd that bank fraud and this particular ghost appear around the same time, isn’t it? Good thing I’m not a kooky conspiracy theorist.
There, then that’s my week, culminating in Friday the 13th. Have a good weekend!
I don’t do prompts on this reanimated blog, as far as writing poetry/fiction on demand, etc., but I will go on and on (and on) about a topic if it resonates with me. JYP has a new provocative question up, asking which is more difficult ~ giving a genuine apology or feeling genuine forgiveness ~ and I have a few things to say about that.
I don’t find the casual “I’m sorry” to be much of an apology at all. It’s almost always meaningless, like the standard “how was your weekend” office greeting, when no one really wants or expects any answer other than “good, yours?” People say they’re sorry all the time, but what do the words actually mean if the speaker doesn’t change their behavior? Nothing. It’s particularly empty when the speaker says it in the form of “I’m sorry you” (feel hurt, offended, etc.), as opposed to “I’m sorry I” (lied, cheated, etc.)
Some of my faithful readers may recall that I met a man in September 2016 who seemed wonderful at first, and we had two fabulous, all-day dates along with many lengthy chats, but then he acted like a colossal jerk when I told him I was having an issue with a scammer. He abruptly canceled our third date because he decided I wouldn’t be focused enough on him if I was worried about the 4K missing from my bank account. It didn’t occur to him to help me take my mind off my problems by spending some time with me as a friend would. No, it was all about him feeling duly worshipped. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, which was one of the smartest things I’ve ever said.
A few weeks later he apologized, and I forgave him, which was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. We had two more lovely dates, made some fun plans for the future, and he ghosted me over Thanksgiving. I felt so betrayed and humiliated, and the experience truly wrecked me for a long time (not to mention that he began texting me a few months later to regale me with all the ways I failed him, such as not baking cookies when he came over and being three years older). When I emerged from my depression over this fiasco, I gave up dating, since I couldn’t trust my own judgment.
But I didn’t come here today to dish on that asshole, as enjoyable as dishing is; I came here to talk about the fact that a genuine apology is as rare as a winning lottery ticket and requires a change in behavior. If you do the same thing again, then you really aren’t sorry, are you? It’s like my vow to give up gummy bears ~ no one really believes me, including me, nor should they. Changing one’s behavior is very difficult, even for something as small as resisting a piece of candy, which is why I say that genuine apologies are harder (and rarer) than genuine forgiveness.
Forgiveness, in my experience, gets easier over time, partly because memories fade as well as intensity of emotion. Also, forgiveness is a gift to yourself more than anything, and who doesn’t like gifts? When I forgave that ghosting guy, I relieved myself of the burden of caring about him, wondering why he did the things he did, and second-guessing all of my own behavior (which was flawless, if you must know). It was incredibly freeing to be done with that mess, and a breeze to maintain. Forgiveness just feels good! This doesn’t mean I want to talk to him or try again (gah); it just means I am no longer shouldering the emotional baggage of feeling “done wrong.” In fact, I got some good stories and poetry out of the experience and am much better off now that I gave up dating altogether.
Apologies, however, don’t feel good, not genuine ones anyway, because then you’re tasked with figuring out how to change and maintain the change. It’s harder for me not to nom up a pack of gummy bears when I know they are sitting right there in the kitchen cabinet* than it is to continue not caring about whatshisface.
*It’s the office kitchen ~ I don’t keep candy in my home.
There's a news story around that someone ordered a thousand cupcakes from a small Los Angeles bakery, paid for them in advance ($7,500), but it turns out the whole thing was a scam. After the check was deposited, the baker bought all the ingredients and began working... then the "buyer" wanted to cut the order in half and get a refund for $3,750. The baker said no, but the bank gave the refund anyway ~ the original check was fake, so the baker was out half the money from her own account. Apparently, the criminal had gone on a spree of defrauding local businesses with stolen checks. What I don't understand is why the bank gave out money from a customer's account without their permission. It's not like there was a court order! The bank should make the baker whole, imo.
This reminds me of my scam story from 2016 when a debt collector convinced the sheriff to put a lien on my checking account for $4,000. He told the sheriff I was still married to my ex-husband and was responsible for his debt ~ our divorce had been finalized over 5 years prior however. My bank, being idiots, went along with this scam, and the ONLY reason I ended up whole is because my brilliant boss, an attorney, helped me figure out what was happening and put a stop to it. Otherwise, I would have had no idea why the money was missing because my bank hadn't disclosed the details of the lien! I ended up wasting a shitload of time to deal with this, had to email my divorce decree to this fucking criminal in Van Nuys so he would agree to redact the lien, and basically be completely freaked out by stress for an entire week. My bank apologized and flagged my account for anything to do with my ex, and everything has been fine since, so I guess it worked.
But that's not what I came here to tell you about today (she says to her non-existent audience). During this stressful time, a man I had been seeing was a total jerk to me. He wanted nothing to do with my problems and cancelled our date because he said I wouldn't be thinking about him enough until this was straightened out. I mean, what the fuck? I broke up with him that weekend and moved on to other men. Back then, when I was in my mid-50s, it was relatively easy to find a man to go out with, so why would I want to continue with such a self-centered ahole? The fact that he even admitted out loud that he needed his dates to be entirely focused on him with nothing else cluttering their thoughts but his awesomeness was truly mind-boggling.
I was proud of myself... then a few weeks later he apologized. I truly wish I had not accepted it ~ or at least accepted it but still kept him out of my life. But I agreed to go out with him again, and we had this super nice date in Brea, where we ate dinner, saw a movie (The Girl on the Train), and shared a cupcake. (Note the relevancy to the first paragraph.) Then we made a bunch of plans for more dates, including getting together over Thanksgiving week and possibly even taking a train trip to Santa Barbara. Then he ghosted me two days before Thanksgiving. I was devastated ~ and TG my sweet little daughter was able to change her plans and hang out with me (my older daughter lived up north). When the jerk finally communicated again, he declared he wasn't ready for a relationship, and whined that I hadn't "chased" him enough besides. The WTF is strong with this guy, isn't it? Rhetorical. Later he badgered me by text about stuff I'd written in my (old deleted WP) blog and went into a litany of complaints about how I wasn't right for him, hadn't baked cookies, was too old (a 3-year age difference, which he had known since the beginning), blah blah blah. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but I had allowed myself to be vulnerable because I don't know how you can find love at all if you don't let down your guard, so that's what I had done.
Huge mistake. Or was it? I don't know. Because of this horrible situation, I became closer to my friends and family and had the epiphany that I'd been surrounded by love all along; I didn't need some weirdo narcissist from a dating site to pretend to care about me. It took a long time though ~ I drifted in and out of depression for around 18 months until I finally was OK again. During those months, I wrote a lot of poetry (some of it actually good) and my novel Ghosted, some of which was semi-inspired by his cruelty. In the Spring of 2017, after meeting a few more meh men (or maybe I'd become meh), I decided to give up dating completely. It was the best decision I've ever made (besides having children, of course)! I finally grokked how imprisoned I had been in the addictive mindset of wanting to please some random stranger before myself. It colored everything I did, from spending money on clothes I didn't need, to avoiding making plans on the weekend "just in case," and even influencing where I lived. And this was for a HYPOTHETICAL boyfriend! So crazy.
The cupcake article reminded me of all that. Just recently I threw all my baking supplies in the trash (not the pans) because it dawned on me that in the back of my mind the idea still lingered that I needed to have stuff on hand in case Mr. Right showed up, so I kept replenishing my stock after I baked for a game night or whatever. As if we can't buy cookies at the store! LOL. People are too fussy to cook/bake for nowadays anyway with everyone having some kind of dietary restriction, so I say good riddance. I am thrilled in hindsight that I never baked anything for the narcissist, even though I had planned to and purchased all the ingredients, because his whining about it simply highlighted what was wrong with him. How does a grown man in his 50s come to believe that he's entitled to be worshipped by someone he's just begin dating like we're living in Stepford or something?
WEIRD.
I wrote about all this on my old blog when it happened, but I wasn't objective enough, and it was too upsetting to discuss in comments, so I deleted the post. Then I deleted ALL my dating stories, even the good and funny ones, because I just didn't want them out there. I wish I hadn't now... maybe I'll see if any of them were preserved on the Wayback Machine. But whatever, who cares? I can write them all again, if I am so inclined, so it's not that big of a deal. I've probably forgotten many details, but again, so what? I am a fiction writer after all, and poetry is also fiction (I actually wrote a poem with that title for my new collection). The emotion is what’s important in a personal story, not the exact details.
Speaking of cupcakes, I was going to order the mango flash flavor at Sprinkles last week but I got the lazies, so I didn't. It's OK. Another fun flavor will be around soon, I'm sure. I bought healthy food at the grocery store today, so we shall see how that goes, plus I am determined to exercise. A little. It's beastly hot out, so that means my aerobics video will get a workout.
Funny, I created the label "scams" for this post, and I realized that dating is also a scam. More about that next time, or not.
I didn't feel like writing a post last night even though I have loads of ideas for new posts. That's the beauty of having a blog no one reads: I won't get any complaints about skipping a day or three or even a week. No one will worry where I am because no one knows I'm here (yet). No one will be miffed that I didn't read their post or respond to their comment or partake in their prompt. I could have decided to do what I wanted when I wanted back on WordPress, but I felt the pressure to keep up with “blogland” to the point of ridiculousness. Now, I'm not part of any community but my own, and it's very cool and relaxed, which is what a hobby should be, including all my crafty crafts. Another thing I am not doing is posting any images with my posts, since I'm not trying to catch anyone's eye to entice them to open my post. In my opinion, blogging should be about the words; if you want pictures, go to Instagram. But again, back on WP, I always began my post with an image because, well, that's just what we all did.
Last night I finished a book on Kindle. I had searched for a story that I could suggest to my book club for October, which meant a spooky theme. That was a tough task, since almost every story with a supernatural element was so stupid I couldn't read it. I persevered though and ended up finishing and very much enjoying Sweet Dreams (Eternal Rest Bed and Breakfast #1) by Beth Dolgner. It was a "normal" cozy mystery except it contained ghosts. The story was interesting as were the characters, including the dead ones. I thought for a while there would also be a romance, but nope. Maybe that's coming in one of the later books, and I did appreciate that Sweet Dreams ended on a complete note (I hate teaser endings where the author tries to make you purchase the next in series). I may actually buy a few more ~ this one was free with Prime.
Part of the reason I accepted the supernatural element of Sweet Dreams is because there was only one. Ghosts. That's it, just ghosts. There weren't demons, witches, time travel, and whatever else to wrap my mind around. And the ghosts were presented matter-of-factly. Yep, ghosts are here at the bed and brekky. Good morning! Would you like coffee? OK then. Have a great day exploring the area! Kinda reminded me of don't explain, don't complain. I don't know why ghosts existed in this universe that Beth created, but they did, and we went from there. I think when writers try to justify the fantasy element via sketchy physics or whatever, the whole thing becomes less believable. Just throw it at us and move on. Well done.
Anyway, I suggested this book to our book club leader, so we shall see what happens.
