Thirteen in Ten

Gatsby looking peeved (my photo)

1. I'm participating in John Holton's Writer's Workshop today by writing 10 sentences about 13 peeves, and yes this intro sentence counts, which means I have only 9 sentences left for the peeves.

2. It annoys me that there's cheese on everything lately ~ I mean, I like cheese, but I don't need it all the time, especially on a salad, and I wish the default was no cheese/ ask for cheese instead of the opposite.

3. I am turned off from romance novels that (a) are written in first person; (b) are written in present tense; and (c) use spilled food or drink as the "meet-cute" (this is 4 peeves now in 3 sentences for anyone who is keeping track aka me).

4. I'm mad at the incredibly stupid algorithm designer who decided that if I bought, say, an automatic cat feeder, then I need to see a million more automatic cat feeders everywhere I wander on the internet because obviously I want to buy a new automatic cat feeder every damn day.

5. I don't want a romance novel or romcom hero who is (a) grumpy or silent; (b) wallowing in pain from a lost love; or (c) rudely sarcastic, since none of those things are the least bit attractive.

6. It's irritating that all the gift wrap on Amazon is sold in these weirdly sized pieces that don't actually fit any normal gift box (this is peeve number 9, like the love potion).

7. Did Don Francisco's think that no one would notice if they made their coffee cans 2 ounces smaller and "didn't raise the price?"

8. I always stand to the side and wait a polite few seconds before stepping onto an elevator in case people are coming out, but now they're all texting or whatever oblivious thing and don't come out, so I end up stepping in, stepping back, and saying excuse me when it's their fucking fault. 

9. I'm so annoyed at how increasingly inconvenienced we are with all these jump-through-hoops ID methods (that are still imperfect) because apparently it's not possible to catch (and execute!) scammers, hackers, fraudsters, and all the other criminals who prey on us online.

10. As always, I hate litterbugs, particularly those who dump furniture and mattresses in our trash area instead of getting rid of it properly or fling their garbage on the ground because they're too damn lazy to open the gate and toss it in the bin (and that's 13 peeves in 10 sentences, woohoo, almost as good as 88 lines about 44 women).

Unwritten Rules

Why is it an unwritten rule that women go first into an elevator? It’s annoying! First, this forces me to pay attention to the waiting group and see if there are other women there; if not, I have to step forward because the men are hanging back waiting for me to go. I don’t see why we can’t simply step up in order from the closest person. Second, I exit at the third floor out of 12, and if I go first, I often have to squish to the rear and then a few seconds later be all ‘scuse me ‘scuse me to get out. It would make a lot more sense to enter the elevator in the opposite order to our floor. Third, what if there’s a tarantula in the car? A man should go first to deal with that. 

This all makes me miss the upgraded elevator system we had at our old building because it programmed the cars to stop at the floors before you stepped on. You normally wouldn’t be in one that made a lot of stops, which cured issue two above. 

*

I get that “small talk” is a way of greeting people, but I don’t see why we can’t be honest. I’ve bitched in the past about bank tellers and store clerks aggressively trying to chit-chat (I understand they are instructed to do so), and I received a bunch of pushback from folks who actually enjoy jabbering with strangers about their holiday plans and whatnot. Since then, I’ve figured out that I can answer minimally and ask the same question back, which usually eats up enough time. But this only works if you give positive answers, and the same is true with coworkers. It’s an unwritten rule that you must say “good” if anyone asks how your weekend was ~ if you say meh or okay, it throws the entire conversational rhythm out of whack. God forbid you reply that you had a migraine both days. 

*

It seems to be an unwritten rule that whenever someone complains, we have to suggest how they should solve the problem when many times people simply enjoy the act of complaining. Also, when someone tells a tale of woe, it’s often because they want to feel heard/ seen; they are not necessarily asking for advice. Wait until they do ask before offering any. Plus there’s the whole barn door dilemma ~ by the time you give advice, the situation is already resolved. Take my December check-cloning fiasco: I know now that I should never write a check, but I still might enjoy venting about scammers. If you feel the need to give me advice, please come up with something I haven’t thought of yet so that we can forestall a future problem. Thanks! 

PS: I’m not addressing this post to any reader. None of you have done these annoying things.

So Long, Farewell…

A lot of familiar places shut down last year. The most shocking to me was the abrupt closure of all Sprinkles cupcake stores on December 31. To be honest though, I hadn’t patronized them much lately ~ as I age, I find my tummy gets unhappy with fat bombs. Delicious no question, but Sprinkles were super high in fat. It may not even be an aging thing, as even in my 30s I would get nauseated from sour cream based dips and too many nuts or seeds. That reminds me of the time in high school when I pigged out on sunflower seeds and was in so much abdominal pain my mommy worried that I had appendicitis. Nope, TG, just the inability to digest a mountain of fat all at once. Anyway, I don’t know how well other cupcakeries are doing, but I haven’t been to them in years.

JoAnn Fabrics closed all locations last year, but this was not surprising. Whenever I ventured into one, there were hardly any other customers. Who even has time to sew? And if you want craft supplies, Michaels has a much wider selection. I browse there for creative and fun kids’ gifts too. 

Party City was a great place for themed party supplies, balloons, wrapping paper, goodie bag items, etc. They also had a nice variety of costumes and accessories for Halloween. All gone.

Forever 21 was a mall staple for my daughters and me. We bought tons of stuff there back in the day. No more. Claire’s, another mall shop the teen girls liked for junky jewelry and such, is teetering on the edge of failure as we speak.

Bunches of other retailers and restaurants closed some of their locations due to (I assume) over-saturation. We don’t need a Starbucks and a CVS and a 7-11 on every corner of every city. It was becoming ridiculous. My gas company is asking for permish to shutter their physical locations, since no one wanders in these days to pay their bill in cash.

And now we come to Target. When the right howled at Target for “Happy Holidays” and transgender swimsuits, I shrugged. Doesn’t affect me. When the left howled at Target for dumping DEI practices, I shrugged. Doesn’t affect me. All the while, I had a warm spot for them in my heart because Target Bank was the only place I had credit when my ex-husband cut me off. But now my heart has turned to ice. 

Recently, I had to deal with an ID theft scam, and I had to open a new checking account and update all my auto-payments. My cable company was all hey no problem! However you want to give us money, we’ll take it. Gas company? Same. Electric company was a little more cautious, but finally said yeah we are cool with your new account. Even the bank that holds my mortgage, after sending a little test to my new account, announced yep we’re good. But Target? Omg no! We won’t accept this new account. It’s way too scary, so you have to pay by phone. WTF? I paid by phone and used the exact same information they rejected online. Went right through. I tried again online for this month’s payment. Nope! 

I am so enraged. After all these years of being a great customer, they treat me like crap now, including when I called customer service and they were incredibly rude. After this payment, I am done with them! I will save their card in case of an emergency (like if my main card gets stolen), but I won’t shop there again. It’s laziness anyway to place orders for pickup when I should get off my butt and go into a regular grocery store… besides, their produce sucks. All the household goods I’ve been getting from them can be obtained on Amazon for less, yada.

Reader, I deleted the Target app. Goodbye.

Zero Down (triolet quadrille)

Zero down and zero debt

I have no skin in this game 

Never gamble, never bet

Zero down and zero debt

Slipping through their sticky net

They don’t even know my name 

Zero down and zero debt

I have no skin in this game 

~*~

I wrote this for a dVerse prompt, but I am not dealing with Mr. Linky, so if only three people read it, that’s fine. This is my new blogging zen: shrugging off stats means I don’t have to jump through hoops to participate. When I feel like writing something, I do, and it’s irrelevant how many views it gets. The “zero down” phrase kept rattling around in my brain until the rest of the lines arranged themselves into the required 44 words, and a triolet form felt right. Coincidentally, I am currently reading a little book of zen parables on my Kindle app, and the latest story was about a box of nothing being the most valuable. Why? Because it’s no burden to carry on your journey. 

~*~

There’s a new scam making the rounds, and it targets authors with books on KDP that don’t sell. Some of the emails sound legit, with the sender babbling on about details of my book as if she has actually read it. Then she wants to promote my book on Medium or BookTok or wherever and give me better keywords for SEO. These emails never mention costs to me, but you know that is the point. Let’s find people making no money and ask for some, hey what? I doubt Stephen King is getting these solicitations. The weird thing is how all of a sudden I am getting multiple emails per day with this nonsense as if some master scammer has just put me on a list. Most of the emails are trash and sound completely fake, but a few sound like someone or something has done a bit of research. Too bad for them, since I got the fake ones first and now mark all as spam.

~*~

So, Inky and I had our weigh-in on Monday, the first of the month. I’m pleased to report that Inky has lost one-half pound in two months, which is a nice, steady rate and puts her at about 33% of her goal. I also lost one-half pound from October 1, which puts me at about 7% of my goal. Clearly, I need to take some lessons from my cat ~ perhaps I should chase toy mice around the house for an hour every day. On an unrelated note, my migraines have improved lately, which could be from a better pillow/ reduced neck pain or less junk food or the cooler weather or some other random thing I will never figure out.

Ten Things I Hate About You

Lately the internet is annoying me tremendously. I’ve been spending more time reading and watching TV instead, which is a good thing for sure, but why does the internet have to be so irritating?

1. If I am on a particular site, I don’t want to have to go somewhere else to access the content. Post your poem; don’t redirect me to your blog. Give me your opinion right there; don’t make me click on a stupid video. We used to call this clickbait; now it seems like business as usual.

2. What is up with these IG reels of nothing? Why do you post a “reel” instead of a normal picture or video that will appear in the feed. I don’t want these extras to distract from my scrolling or make me miss something important. Same on FB. I keep hiding the reels, but they return like brainless zombies. Or maybe I’m the brainless zombie for constantly expecting things to be better. But I am hungry for content!

3. The term “content creator” as a job description drives me bonkers. We are all content creators every time we make a post or respond to someone else’s post. It’s so absurd to elevate this ordinary behavior to an art form. Sure, there are real artists and real writers around the internet, but I don’t see Stephen King redirecting us to another site and asking for a subscription before we’re allowed to read his latest opinion on whatever thing.

4. I don’t mind ads, but when there are a zillion of them shoveled into one article, it’s really obnoxious. There are times an article is impossible to read because of all the ads loading, reloading, and flashing. Then you’re flung back to the beginning because you haven’t seen enough ads apparently!

5. App app app app. I don’t want to download a new app every time I feel like reading something. Give me a break. Same with being pummeled with the subscriber box. No, I don’t want to get a daily briefing, sheesh. Can’t I just please read this one damn thing?!

Argh!!!

6. Why is everything a series lately? It’s hard to find a standalone book or movie nowadays, but I enjoy the freedom of one and done ~ if I begin a detective story and notice it’s book 1 of X, then I worry the ending won’t be a real ending and will force me to continue. Same with shows on TV. I don’t necessarily want 17 seasons of a drama, even a good drama; most shows jump the shark in the third season, at best. (There are exceptions of course, which is why I said “most.”)

7. The internet has made most people too lazy to bookmark this blog and visit it (you can subscribe via email, for free! LOL). I don’t care that much, although it might be nice to read more comments, but if I am not served up in a feed, forget it. I’m just rolling around the outskirts of the internet like a tumbleweed in a ghost town.

8. I can’t stand it when posts aren’t in chronological order. That’s it. Very simple. Keep everything in date order. Quit mixing shit up.

9. The idea that if X is good a million X is better has got to go. For example, if I “like” a picture of a cat that doesn’t mean that I only ever want to see pictures of cats. I am not a robot! Technology is so sophisticated in some ways and so basic and clunky in other ways.

10. The proliferation of scams is truly mind boggling. It makes me want to go off grid and live in a remote cave. But then I would be cold. And hungry. And lonely. Plus there might be snakes in my cave, but I wouldn’t have a phone to google up how to deal with them. Sigh.

I guess no. 6 isn’t about the internet, oh well. If this were a popular blog, someone would nastily point that out and then say my whole post is a lie and I should be canceled. My friend D notes that social media is now a perpetual outrage generator, and it’s true. But it’s not anything new ~ when I first wandered onto the net in 1998, people were gleefully trolling others and making nuisances of themselves. I got caught up in that too. Why not lash out anonymously when I was in a bad mood? It released some of my ongoing anger, and then I could turn off the computer and be immune from any consequences.

Today, there’s very little ability to be anonymous, and there’s no such thing as turning off your computer. Your computer is in your sweaty hand 24/7 with a constant barrage of alerts and notifications. God forbid you should miss a second of the outrage and hate, which is more effective at keeping people engaged (and thus their eyeballs on the ads) than anything pleasant. The more successful communicators understand this, which is why we see the outrage progressing exponentially. 

I am experimenting on IG by following some celebs, to see if that livens up my experience. My friends don’t post much, so I am served up a bunch of cute animals in between the ads ~ I love the cute animals, but I am getting a wee bit bored. Let’s see what happens…

I'm Too Old For This...

No, I'm not talking about THAT. (OK, that too.) I'm talking about social media. You would think after all these years I'd have a clue, but I don't. Let's take Facebook, which is so impossible. I mostly hang out there for my book club, but the notifications are so screwed up that it's hard to keep track of things, which I have to because I am one of the coordinators. I will be reading a group thread, trying to make sense of it chronologically so I can award points to members for various things, but the fucking site refreshes every 11 seconds so I have to keep starting over. ARGH!

I've mentioned Bluesky before. I like to keep a presence there, though I am not sure why. You can't really get to know anyone via skeets (the new "tweets"), and since I don't want to be super political in public, I avoid most of those posts, which are in fact most of the posts. Even when I agreed with one of my moots last week, some other person swooped in and attacked me out of the blue. FOR NOTHING! We basically are in agreement; she just got all bent because I said I was pausing political donations as they don't seem to do any good. We went back and forth for a while, which was ridiculous. Arguing on the internet is always a giant time sink, but if someone starts with me, well, you know how I am. 

This blog is technically public, but no new peeps seem to find it (so far), so I feel I can say whatever the fuck I want. Not that I do. But I could! In any case, comments are always held for moderation, so even if some troublemaker popped up, I would nuke their comment before it saw the light of day. Bluesky is 100% public however, and if you want to moderate, you have to do it yourself by blocking bunches of folks, which is tedious. I imagine I will spend less and less time there, though in its favor there are still no ads, yay. (Besides all the other issues, FB is insane with ads.)

IG is OK. Cute animal pics but lots of ads.

I recently revved up my Reddit account, but I had been so inactive for so long I didn't realize the site is swarming with fake accounts looking for karma points by posting pics of cats that aren't theirs, etc. Or they spin up some elaborate fictional problem in order to get "advice," which creates churn, and idk what. How does this benefit them? Do the points eventually turn into money? What's going on? Today I deleted a comment I made on a "name my kitty" thread when it was pointed out that the post was a scam, and when I visited the OP's profile, it was all pr0n. Ugh. It makes reading the site unappealing now.

Substack is just as confusing as it was the last time I tried it. I'm not sure what the difference is between following someone and subscribing to them for free, though I do understand that free subscribers might not see everything someone posts if they have monetized themselves. I'm not sure what a "note" is vs an article. I can't figure out how to have my own "publication" there like other people do. I don't see that option when I post a poem or whatever. It just appears under my account name "Lightmotifs," which I changed from Paula Light because Paula Light certainly does not sound like the name of a publication. But other people there have their name showing and the name of their publication/s too. 

Whatever. At least there are some nice, thoughtful articles on Substack as opposed to the dopey memes I see everywhere else.

I still like blogging best, even if I have only a handful of readers. I appreciate you!

I watched a couple of old movies recently. I used to think "old movies" meant black and white film noir or Elvis Presley musicals from the 1960s, but it turns out that the 1990s were a long time ago too. Gah. The first one was Clueless, which is appropriate for this post. It's a 1995 film written and directed by Amy Heckerling, and it supposedly developed a cult following. You know, for a silly romcom, it is a delightful movie. Alicia Silverstone plays her part (Cher) to perfection, and Paul Rudd is great as Josh, Cher's love interest. Wallace Shawn is hilarious as the history/debate teacher who won't change Cher's grade until she makes him happy by coaxing him into a love match with another teacher. Dan Hedaya, who plays Cher's father, has the role of Nixon in the movie Dick, and I love that crazy film so much. Supposedly, this is a modern take on Jane Austen's Emma, which I haven't read, but I did see the movie adaption starring Gwyneth Paltrow. I liked it, but Clueless was more fun.

Next I watched Betsy's Wedding (1990), which was written and directed by Alan Alda, who also stars as Betsy's dad Eddie Hopper. This movie has a fabulous cast! Besides Alda, there's Madeline Khan (RIP) as Betsy's mom, Joe Pesci (RIP) as Eddie's corrupt brother-in-law, Molly Ringwald as Betsy, and Ally Sheedy as Betsy's sister Connie the cop. Anthony LaPaglia is my favorite though ~ he plays Stevie Dee, a mob guy sent to keep an eye on Eddie's construction project, but instead he falls for Connie. I guess this film didn't get such good reviews, and both Molly and Ally were nominated for "raspberry" awards, though idk why. They were fine, and the movie was enjoyable overall. I mean, it is a romcom, so idk what people were expecting.

More book reviews soon, though I have been slacking at reading lately so they won't be coming as fast for a while. 

Captives, Dates, Ghosts, and Scammers

Yep, that’s a lot! But it’s the season of abundance, or so they say. It’s weird how there will be long stretches of nothingness, then suddenly hello everythingness, and no matter how bored/lonely I get, I am reminded that I vastly prefer the silence. It’s never really silent anyway because Gatsby always has lots of opinions.

I read The Captive by Victoria Holt this week and gave it four stars. Just when I was getting bored with this author, she came up with something new. Neither the plot nor the romance is predictable, and I love that. I particularly appreciate the heroine Rosetta, who is a very strong and interesting character. (The weirdly abrupt ending prevented me from giving this novel a full five-star rating however.) Now I am re-inspired to continue my Holt marathon.

I also read The Twelve Dates of Christmas by Jenny Bayliss and awarded it four stars as well. Guess I must be in a generous mood! Actually, this novel was a very entertaining read, though the conclusion was inevitable from the first page, which is par for the course in a contemporary romance. Part of what made the book so enjoyable was the vivid description: art, food, holiday decor, etc., were all lovingly served up to the reader (including recipes at the end!), and the snow was an important character too. I thought the “twelve dates” was a cool concept, and it was great fun to meet the same fictional aholes you find in real life dating. 

Speaking of. One of the ghosts from my dating past came floating back in this week… and you will never guess why (or ostensibly why). After almost eight years of dead silence this guy emails me to complain that I deleted my WordPress blog. Apparently he was a devoted fan! Yeah, so devoted that he didn’t notice my blog had been gone since August 2023. Whatever. I have long given up trying to understand any man, and my life is much more peaceful because of that.

It seems that this blogspot blog hides in plain sight, as neither a Google search nor a Safari search brings it up using any kind of obvious keyword or phrase. I told Google not to index it, so I guess that does work. I am content with my handful of readers ~ only those to whom I specifically gave the blog addy are reading, if even them, lol. Regardless, these words are still public, and I am not forgetting that.

Finally, some aholes posing as bank reps tried to scam me this morning, and even though I didn’t fall for it, I am still upset about getting targeted. That’s modern life now: being on high alert for ID theft and fraud every fucking minute of the day. I guess it beats watching out for highwaymen and pirates. Though as we know, some highwaymen and pirates are really dukes in disguise, posing as criminals to catch the real criminals…

Odd that bank fraud and this particular ghost appear around the same time, isn’t it? Good thing I’m not a kooky conspiracy theorist.

There, then that’s my week, culminating in Friday the 13th. Have a good weekend!

My Bathroom Smells Like Pie

Saturday 5:30AM I received a notification from my bank that someone tried to use my credit card at a TikTok store. Fucking TikTok! They have stores there? Just one more reason to hate them. Anyway, my bank was rightfully suspicious, declined the charge, and canceled my card. I'm glad they're on high alert, but now I have to be inconvenienced by waiting for a new card and changing my automated transactions when it gets here. Paying cash in the meantime. Hate scammers. Hate them so much.

Anyway. As I mentioned, I went to Mother's again, this time with my friend J, and had another delightful lunch. I try not to order the same thing every time, so Saturday I had the ancient grains bowl, which was very tasty. Lemon quinoa, broccoli, mushrooms, etc. I'm glad I didn't dump the sauce all over it because it was pretty spicy, and a tiny dab per bite was plenty. We browsed the store afterwards, and I couldn't resist a bar of pumpkin pie soap with a cute little soap dish. Not to use! Then it would be all gone. I put it in my bathroom for the scrumptious scent, so now my bathroom smells like pie.

Today I met my book club group at The Habit in Seal Beach. First time I've tried that place, but I wasn't in the mood for a burger, so I ordered a chicken Caesar salad. It was good. We had a great discussion about this month's book ~ Local Woman Missing by Mary Kubica. Most of the group liked the book more than I did, but we all agreed that the narrative was choppy and hard to follow, there were too many red herrings, the police procedural stuff made no sense, and the ending sucked. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...

After starting and stopping a bunch of crappy movies, I stumbled onto a fabulous one Friday night. It was Red Dragon (2002) on Netflix, the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, and in my opinion it was just a tad better (even though I love Jodie Foster). I read the book ages ago, in the 1980s, a gift from my friend K, and this is one of the rare cases where the movie was just as good. It helped that there was a stellar cast (Edward Norton, Anthony Hopkins, Ralph Fiennes, et al). Gruesome story, but if you can handle that, I highly recommend the film.

Similarly, after several literary disappointments, I began You by Caroline Kepnes on Saturday morning and finished it by Sunday night. It's so good! The narrative is straight up present tense, told in a single, linear point of view, and it is utterly compelling. See? When you have a solid story with an interesting protagonist, you don't need a bunch of gimmicky chronological flips and teasers. You can just lay it out there. That's not to say I hate all flashbacks ~ I don't ~ but they have to be good. Most aren't, especially the ones that careen back and forth in time with multiple viewpoints. I mentioned I was reading You to my book club, and they informed me that it is a series on Netflix, and naturally I started watching it tonight. So far, so good! Differs a bit from the book, but in ways that make the main character more well-rounded, so yay.

Since I gave up coffee, my blood pressure has been consistently in the "green zone," which makes me happy. I still have caffeine, via a few cups of black tea per day (not after 3PM though), which doesn't seem to affect my BP negatively. I didn't have any diet soda this weekend, but I will during the work week because I am not a saint. LOL

Apologies and Forgiveness

I don’t do prompts on this reanimated blog, as far as writing poetry/fiction on demand, etc., but I will go on and on (and on) about a topic if it resonates with me. JYP has a new provocative question up, asking which is more difficult ~ giving a genuine apology or feeling genuine forgiveness ~ and I have a few things to say about that. 

I don’t find the casual “I’m sorry” to be much of an apology at all. It’s almost always meaningless, like the standard “how was your weekend” office greeting, when no one really wants or expects any answer other than “good, yours?” People say they’re sorry all the time, but what do the words actually mean if the speaker doesn’t change their behavior? Nothing. It’s particularly empty when the speaker says it in the form of “I’m sorry you” (feel hurt, offended, etc.), as opposed to “I’m sorry I” (lied, cheated, etc.)

Some of my faithful readers may recall that I met a man in September 2016 who seemed wonderful at first, and we had two fabulous, all-day dates along with many lengthy chats, but then he acted like a colossal jerk when I told him I was having an issue with a scammer. He abruptly canceled our third date because he decided I wouldn’t be focused enough on him if I was worried about the 4K missing from my bank account. It didn’t occur to him to help me take my mind off my problems by spending some time with me as a friend would. No, it was all about him feeling duly worshipped. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, which was one of the smartest things I’ve ever said.

A few weeks later he apologized, and I forgave him, which was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done. We had two more lovely dates, made some fun plans for the future, and he ghosted me over Thanksgiving. I felt so betrayed and humiliated, and the experience truly wrecked me for a long time (not to mention that he began texting me a few months later to regale me with all the ways I failed him, such as not baking cookies when he came over and being three years older). When I emerged from my depression over this fiasco, I gave up dating, since I couldn’t trust my own judgment.

But I didn’t come here today to dish on that asshole, as enjoyable as dishing is; I came here to talk about the fact that a genuine apology is as rare as a winning lottery ticket and requires a change in behavior. If you do the same thing again, then you really aren’t sorry, are you? It’s like my vow to give up gummy bears ~ no one really believes me, including me, nor should they. Changing one’s behavior is very difficult, even for something as small as resisting a piece of candy, which is why I say that genuine apologies are harder (and rarer) than genuine forgiveness.

Forgiveness, in my experience, gets easier over time, partly because memories fade as well as intensity of emotion. Also, forgiveness is a gift to yourself more than anything, and who doesn’t like gifts? When I forgave that ghosting guy, I relieved myself of the burden of caring about him, wondering why he did the things he did, and second-guessing all of my own behavior (which was flawless, if you must know). It was incredibly freeing to be done with that mess, and a breeze to maintain. Forgiveness just feels good! This doesn’t mean I want to talk to him or try again (gah); it just means I am no longer shouldering the emotional baggage of feeling “done wrong.” In fact, I got some good stories and poetry out of the experience and am much better off now that I gave up dating altogether.

Apologies, however, don’t feel good, not genuine ones anyway, because then you’re tasked with figuring out how to change and maintain the change. It’s harder for me not to nom up a pack of gummy bears when I know they are sitting right there in the kitchen cabinet* than it is to continue not caring about whatshisface. 

*It’s the office kitchen ~ I don’t keep candy in my home.

Three Short Reviews

 Joker (Max), 2019

This movie was amazing. Joaquin Phoenix really outdid himself here and deserved every bit of praise, including the best actor award. I'm not really a fan of the comics to movie genre, and the only reason I watched it is because I want to see the new Joker movie with JP and Lady Gaga, which is a musical, and my friend M said I must see this 2019 one first. Luckily, it was available on Max, and I'm so glad I watched it! JP's portrayal of mentally ill Arthur Fleck was so believable, disturbing, and haunting that I can't shake his face or that laugh out of my mind. Also, Robert DeNiro was magnificent as always as the comedian/talk show host.

The Loft (Prime), 2015

SSC: I only watched this movie because I noticed that my honey from 27 Dresses James Marsden was in the promo pic. The premise is that five men buy a luxury condo together in secret so they can have a place to bring their mistresses. The story jumps around in time with flashbacks, and you know I hate that. A woman is murdered in the condo, and the men try to cover it up while suspecting each other. The film treats us to a bunch of shenanigans where each man is revealed to be a horrible person; thus, it's hard to get invested in the outcome.

DWTS, Season 33 (Hulu)

I enjoyed the second ep of the current Dancing with the Stars season more than the first because they featured songs from movies this time. It's fun for me to watch Joey and Jenn from Bachelor Nation because I "know" them.  It made me happy that they eliminated Tori Spelling because I have never liked her, and her fake lips are utterly ridiculous. They also eliminated Anna Delvey, who is the woman convicted of perpetuating financial fraud via a fake identity (see Inventing Anna). She served prison time and apparently is on probation ~ she appeared on the show in a bedazzled ankle monitor, which was fun. Everyone is criticizing her for her remark at the end, when she was sent home. They asked her what she would take from the show, and she said "Nothing." I thought that was hilarious. She's basically a thief, and she was saying she wouldn't take anything. Why don't people find that funny? I vastly prefer humor to a weepy, phony statement about journey, growth, and courage. Barf.

A Thousand Cupcakes

There's a news story around that someone ordered a thousand cupcakes from a small Los Angeles bakery, paid for them in advance ($7,500), but it turns out the whole thing was a scam. After the check was deposited, the baker bought all the ingredients and began working... then the "buyer" wanted to cut the order in half and get a refund for $3,750. The baker said no, but the bank gave the refund anyway ~ the original check was fake, so the baker was out half the money from her own account. Apparently, the criminal had gone on a spree of defrauding local businesses with stolen checks. What I don't understand is why the bank gave out money from a customer's account without their permission. It's not like there was a court order! The bank should make the baker whole, imo.

This reminds me of my scam story from 2016 when a debt collector convinced the sheriff to put a lien on my checking account for $4,000. He told the sheriff I was still married to my ex-husband and was responsible for his debt ~ our divorce had been finalized over 5 years prior however. My bank, being idiots, went along with this scam, and the ONLY reason I ended up whole is because my brilliant boss, an attorney, helped me figure out what was happening and put a stop to it. Otherwise, I would have had no idea why the money was missing because my bank hadn't disclosed the details of the lien! I ended up wasting a shitload of time to deal with this, had to email my divorce decree to this fucking criminal in Van Nuys so he would agree to redact the lien, and basically be completely freaked out by stress for an entire week. My bank apologized and flagged my account for anything to do with my ex, and everything has been fine since, so I guess it worked. 

But that's not what I came here to tell you about today (she says to her non-existent audience). During this stressful time, a man I had been seeing was a total jerk to me. He wanted nothing to do with my problems and cancelled our date because he said I wouldn't be thinking about him enough until this was straightened out. I mean, what the fuck? I broke up with him that weekend and moved on to other men. Back then, when I was in my mid-50s, it was relatively easy to find a man to go out with, so why would I want to continue with such a self-centered ahole? The fact that he even admitted out loud that he needed his dates to be entirely focused on him with nothing else cluttering their thoughts but his awesomeness was truly mind-boggling. 

I was proud of myself... then a few weeks later he apologized. I truly wish I had not accepted it ~ or at least accepted it but still kept him out of my life. But I agreed to go out with him again, and we had this super nice date in Brea, where we ate dinner, saw a movie (The Girl on the Train), and shared a cupcake. (Note the relevancy to the first paragraph.) Then we made a bunch of plans for more dates, including getting together over Thanksgiving week and possibly even taking a train trip to Santa Barbara. Then he ghosted me two days before Thanksgiving. I was devastated ~ and TG my sweet little daughter was able to change her plans and hang out with me (my older daughter lived up north). When the jerk finally communicated again, he declared he wasn't ready for a relationship, and whined that I hadn't "chased" him enough besides. The WTF is strong with this guy, isn't it? Rhetorical. Later he badgered me by text about stuff I'd written in my (old deleted WP) blog and went into a litany of complaints about how I wasn't right for him, hadn't baked cookies, was too old (a 3-year age difference, which he had known since the beginning), blah blah blah. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but I had allowed myself to be vulnerable because I don't know how you can find love at all if you don't let down your guard, so that's what I had done.

Huge mistake. Or was it? I don't know. Because of this horrible situation, I became closer to my friends and family and had the epiphany that I'd been surrounded by love all along; I didn't need some weirdo narcissist from a dating site to pretend to care about me. It took a long time though ~ I drifted in and out of depression for around 18 months until I finally was OK again. During those months, I wrote a lot of poetry (some of it actually good) and my novel Ghosted, some of which was semi-inspired by his cruelty. In the Spring of 2017, after meeting a few more meh men (or maybe I'd become meh), I decided to give up dating completely. It was the best decision I've ever made (besides having children, of course)! I finally grokked how imprisoned I had been in the addictive mindset of wanting to please some random stranger before myself. It colored everything I did, from spending money on clothes I didn't need, to avoiding making plans on the weekend "just in case," and even influencing where I lived. And this was for a HYPOTHETICAL boyfriend! So crazy.

The cupcake article reminded me of all that. Just recently I threw all my baking supplies in the trash (not the pans) because it dawned on me that in the back of my mind the idea still lingered that I needed to have stuff on hand in case Mr. Right showed up, so I kept replenishing my stock after I baked for a game night or whatever. As if we can't buy cookies at the store! LOL. People are too fussy to cook/bake for nowadays anyway with everyone having some kind of dietary restriction, so I say good riddance. I am thrilled in hindsight that I never baked anything for the narcissist, even though I had planned to and purchased all the ingredients, because his whining about it simply highlighted what was wrong with him. How does a grown man in his 50s come to believe that he's entitled to be worshipped by someone he's just begin dating like we're living in Stepford or something? 

WEIRD. 

I wrote about all this on my old blog when it happened, but I wasn't objective enough, and it was too upsetting to discuss in comments, so I deleted the post. Then I deleted ALL my dating stories, even the good and funny ones, because I just didn't want them out there. I wish I hadn't now... maybe I'll see if any of them were preserved on the Wayback Machine. But whatever, who cares? I can write them all again, if I am so inclined, so it's not that big of a deal. I've probably forgotten many details, but again, so what? I am a fiction writer after all, and poetry is also fiction (I actually wrote a poem with that title for my new collection). The emotion is what’s important in a personal story, not the exact details.

Speaking of cupcakes, I was going to order the mango flash flavor at Sprinkles last week but I got the lazies, so I didn't. It's OK. Another fun flavor will be around soon, I'm sure. I bought healthy food at the grocery store today, so we shall see how that goes, plus I am determined to exercise. A little. It's beastly hot out, so that means my aerobics video will get a workout.

Funny, I created the label "scams" for this post, and I realized that dating is also a scam. More about that next time, or not.